The non-sensical emails with off topic pitches, badly worded questions, and meaningless statements just keep rolling in! Today, we’re going to share another installment of our popular column, World’s Worst Query Letters and Book Proposals.
We’ve been saving these for a few weeks now so there are a LOT to entertain you! As always, we’ve saved the best for last!
Featured below are real quotes from query letters and book proposals submitted to us over the past few weeks. Yes, we can learn from others’ mistakes!
In case you’re a new reader, please know that we are a publication about writing and publishing FOR WRITERS. When someone contacts us using our online contact form, directly above that form is a link to our writer’s guidelines, in a very large, bold, red font. The link to our guidelines is also at the top of every page on our website.
Are you ready? ENJOY!
I’m sorry but we are looking for writers with slightly better qualifications than yours if we happen to run out of people with decent basic writing skills we will be sure to contact you as a close runner up thank you and god bless
Please am a good writer looking for a job in your platform I write article and books feel free to contact me via email and looking forward to hearing from you thank you
GREAT! When can you start … using proper capitalization and punctuation??
hi, I would like to start writing for you guys for money
I’ve got good news. Working once a week for us is NOT something you’ll have to worry about.
only i get work in once a week?
WOW! I just pay you $150 and YOU will publish an unnamed article of an unknown subject for me?? Let me pull up PayPal right now!
Your article will be published after getting payment from you.
Please send advance payment of $150.
You should Pay Us $150 USD via PayPal ID below. Kindly make sure we receive Net $150 USD Amount on our PayPal Account, without any PayPal Fee and Charges deduction from our side. You can send an additional amount to cover PayPal fees/charges.
PayPal ID: (removed)
I am waiting for your payment.
I wanna hire writers that understand correct grammar and punctuation.
I wanna become an article writer
I don’t know whether to chastise you for your horrendous writing, or your atrocious begging style. I think you’ll do better holding a sign near a highway on-ramp.
I’m not give money I am not reach man you give money you help me
Whatever you say dude. Good luck in your future guiding suggestions.
I have good or best’ in the future suggestion i hope to guide
You wasted an email on this??
No questions
So you’re a writer? Well, I hate to break it to you but I don’t like your writing “skills.”
I am a writer and i write different kind of Articles and i would like to write for you and get paid for it ,if you like my writing skills.I would like to know if it s possible with you?
Thank you
If we ever find a need to create a book with nothing but two sticks, or to hunt wild boar with nothing but a copy of War and Peace, I’ll look you up.
I run a blog on the YouTube channel on the topic of survival in the wild, I write articles. I will be glad to write you articles on your topics. I have a lot of experience in this topic. Write to me, please. Thanks!
You’re such a great marketer that you didn’t even feel the need to mention writing or books in your pitch to a publication about how to promote books and writing services?
It has always been my desire for people all over the world to be enlightened on how to be a good marketer and make lots of money. Please can l be given the opportunity to share my thoughts to your readers? I won’t let you down when I am granted the opportunity . You would love my writings .
I hate drive-by, random-thought emails.
creative method(s) to promote your book or ebook.
1 Generally, with a computer.
2 Till Hell freezes over, at least on this platform.
3 I have no idea what you’re talking about.
1 how do i write an article.
2 Till when the article becomes public.
3 How long does it take for the account to be activated.
Haw about starting with intelligent writing?
Haw can i cell my article s
I’m an editor. I read a lot of garbage. Hey… didn’t you just write me?
I am writer i write alot article. and i wont to cell it
I’m happy you’re happy.
I am very happy also app income soon.
I have a better idea. How about YOU click on the “Write For Us” link for the format, and YOU read the articles we’ve accepted and posted on our website?
I write articles on various marketing topics, can you please tell me the format in which I have to submit my work and send a sample of previously accepted articles.
Well, I can’t say that you’re exactly off to a strong start since this is a writing job.
how will i get the job and earn money
I would like to help. But not understand question way you ask leave us confused.
I am interested in this work. Please tell me how got my payment by your self because not show your Registration form for fill up my details.
Completely irrelevant questions also tend to diminish the usefulness of our website and email account.
You should only ask practical, answerable questions based on actual problems that you face. Chatty, open-ended questions diminish the usefulness of our site and push other questions off the front page.
SORRY, WE’RE NOT LOOKING FOR WRITTERS CURRENTLY, ONLY WRITERS.
I WANT TO BE YOUR ARTICLE WRITTER
Well, thank God you aren’t trying to waste my time!
I don’t have any questions
Hey, Sugar. Sorry, but your pitch bombed. Go fish.
Hi dear,
As an avid angler and blogger, I am impressed by the quality and informative content you provide to your audience on your blog. That is why I am writing to inquire about the possibility of submitting a guest post on your platform.
I have several ideas for guest posts that I believe would resonate with your readers. Here are a few potential topics that I would love to write about:
“The Top 5 Essential Fishing Gear Items Every Angler Needs”
“Secrets to Catching Big Game Fish: Expert Tips and Techniques”
“Fly Fishing 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Getting Started”
I am open to discussing other ideas that you think would be a good fit for your audience. My content is well-researched, informative, and engaging, and I always aim to provide value to the reader. I understand that it includes some editorial fee and am ready to pay.
This doesn’t involve me dressing up as Little Bo Peep, does it?
i will hlep you for what you want
See more entertaining installments of World’s Worst Book Proposals and Query Letters RIGHT HERE.
Please tell us what you think in the comments box below! 🙂
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First, I concur with the notion that the person ridiculing those with aspirations or dreams of breaking into the writer’s market might rethink his own style of posting responses to query letters.
It is backwards, and, quite frankly makes him look a little – ok, ALOT – dumber than those he strives to ridicule.
Treat us all to a link of your best writing, Sir…would love to see it, and would particularly love to read the critique of your work.
So, here’s the thing:
ANGELA, I am disappointed that you perhaps ignore or close your eyes to the abrasive overtones of unabashed “isms” that run rampant through Brian Whiddon’s joyously crafted nastiness.
Moreover, if we as writers are looking to your site for helpful hints and encouragement and a reminder to not give up, and possibly connecting to those with similar dreams, I question why you would even allow this nonsense to be posted. Where are the re-writes, the helpful hints, the absolutes that we MUST remember when crafting a query? Is this person also someone who helps judge the 24 hour writing contest? Yuck.
It is clear that a number of his choice writers’ quotes come from English as second language submissions. This Brian guy whose woefully biased article you highlight is reminiscent of the lawyer who screamed, “Stop speaking Spanish” to the New York baristas. That fellow lost his job…and his dignity. Hmmmm…
I have in the past submitted stories to your contest – a bit nervous, always hopeful, but determined to forge ahead, mistakes and all.
To see the disdain that you have for folx who are struggling to word their dreams just right, and rather than reword, edit or reframe a sentence FOR THE GOOD OF ALL, Mr. Brian thingabob berates and ridicules, and you thank him for doing a good job( ??) begs the question if you really know what it means to embrace all aspiring writers, warts and all, deficiencies intact, dreams gently embraced. Do better.
Oh, and Brian,
Please refrain from calling yourself a Managing editor until you manage to edit. And by the way, it takes more courage to submit text, questions, etc., in a 2nd or 3rd language than it does to sit back and ridiculous one’s efforts.
We couldn’t resist replying to Taryn the Karyn – and y’all can read it HERE
Wow! Hard to believe how individuals write and expect to get paid. Good luck!
Richard Atwood/McHenry took the words right off my keyboard. But…Brian’s very clever retorts made the struggle worthwhile. It gave me this week’s biggest chuckle – and the week is darn near over.
I was head of a hospital marketing magazine in the 1990s and also endured some blackboard scratching query letters. Here is my favorite, from a woman who had a bit of misplaced optimism:
“I know you want writers to submit articles for consideration, but I prefer to work differently. Send me the $600 you posted as payment for articles, and then I will write one for you.”
(Nice work, if you can get it.!)
About the query letters postings —- .
It would read far better if you posted the queries first, followed by the answers given.
Otherwise this is difficult reading, when you post your reply ahead of the questions.
It’s upside down.
Good advice! Thank you, Richard. 🙂