The non-sensical emails with off topic pitches, badly worded questions, and meaningless statements just keep rolling in! Today, we’re going to share another installment of our popular column, World’s Worst Query Letters and Book Proposals.
We’ve been saving these for a few weeks now so there are a LOT to entertain you! As always, we’ve saved the best for last!
Featured below are real quotes from query letters and book proposals submitted to us over the past few weeks. Yes, we can learn from others’ mistakes!
In case you’re a new reader, please know that we are a publication about writing and publishing FOR WRITERS. When someone contacts us using our online contact form, directly above that form is a link to our writer’s guidelines, in a very large, bold, red font. The link to our guidelines is also at the top of every page on our website.
Are you ready? ENJOY!
I’m sorry but we are looking for writers with slightly better qualifications than yours if we happen to run out of people with decent basic writing skills we will be sure to contact you as a close runner up thank you and god bless
Please am a good writer looking for a job in your platform I write article and books feel free to contact me via email and looking forward to hearing from you thank you
GREAT! When can you start … using proper capitalization and punctuation??
hi, I would like to start writing for you guys for money
I’ve got good news. Working once a week for us is NOT something you’ll have to worry about.
only i get work in once a week?
WOW! I just pay you $150 and YOU will publish an unnamed article of an unknown subject for me?? Let me pull up PayPal right now!
Your article will be published after getting payment from you.
Please send advance payment of $150.
You should Pay Us $150 USD via PayPal ID below. Kindly make sure we receive Net $150 USD Amount on our PayPal Account, without any PayPal Fee and Charges deduction from our side. You can send an additional amount to cover PayPal fees/charges.
PayPal ID: (removed)
I am waiting for your payment.
I wanna hire writers that understand correct grammar and punctuation.
I wanna become an article writer
I don’t know whether to chastise you for your horrendous writing, or your atrocious begging style. I think you’ll do better holding a sign near a highway on-ramp.
I’m not give money I am not reach man you give money you help me
Whatever you say dude. Good luck in your future guiding suggestions.
I have good or best’ in the future suggestion i hope to guide
You wasted an email on this??
So you’re a writer? Well, I hate to break it to you but I don’t like your writing “skills.”
I am a writer and i write different kind of Articles and i would like to write for you and get paid for it ,if you like my writing skills.I would like to know if it s possible with you?
If we ever find a need to create a book with nothing but two sticks, or to hunt wild boar with nothing but a copy of War and Peace, I’ll look you up.
I run a blog on the YouTube channel on the topic of survival in the wild, I write articles. I will be glad to write you articles on your topics. I have a lot of experience in this topic. Write to me, please. Thanks!
You’re such a great marketer that you didn’t even feel the need to mention writing or books in your pitch to a publication about how to promote books and writing services?
It has always been my desire for people all over the world to be enlightened on how to be a good marketer and make lots of money. Please can l be given the opportunity to share my thoughts to your readers? I won’t let you down when I am granted the opportunity . You would love my writings .
I hate drive-by, random-thought emails.
creative method(s) to promote your book or ebook.
1 Generally, with a computer.
2 Till Hell freezes over, at least on this platform.
3 I have no idea what you’re talking about.
1 how do i write an article.
2 Till when the article becomes public.
3 How long does it take for the account to be activated.
Haw about starting with intelligent writing?
Haw can i cell my article s
I’m an editor. I read a lot of garbage. Hey… didn’t you just write me?
I am writer i write alot article. and i wont to cell it
I’m happy you’re happy.
I am very happy also app income soon.
I have a better idea. How about YOU click on the “Write For Us” link for the format, and YOU read the articles we’ve accepted and posted on our website?
I write articles on various marketing topics, can you please tell me the format in which I have to submit my work and send a sample of previously accepted articles.
Well, I can’t say that you’re exactly off to a strong start since this is a writing job.
how will i get the job and earn money
I would like to help. But not understand question way you ask leave us confused.
I am interested in this work. Please tell me how got my payment by your self because not show your Registration form for fill up my details.
Completely irrelevant questions also tend to diminish the usefulness of our website and email account.
You should only ask practical, answerable questions based on actual problems that you face. Chatty, open-ended questions diminish the usefulness of our site and push other questions off the front page.
SORRY, WE’RE NOT LOOKING FOR WRITTERS CURRENTLY, ONLY WRITERS.
I WANT TO BE YOUR ARTICLE WRITTER
Well, thank God you aren’t trying to waste my time!
I don’t have any questions
Hey, Sugar. Sorry, but your pitch bombed. Go fish.
As an avid angler and blogger, I am impressed by the quality and informative content you provide to your audience on your blog. That is why I am writing to inquire about the possibility of submitting a guest post on your platform.
I have several ideas for guest posts that I believe would resonate with your readers. Here are a few potential topics that I would love to write about:
“The Top 5 Essential Fishing Gear Items Every Angler Needs”
“Secrets to Catching Big Game Fish: Expert Tips and Techniques”
“Fly Fishing 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Getting Started”
I am open to discussing other ideas that you think would be a good fit for your audience. My content is well-researched, informative, and engaging, and I always aim to provide value to the reader. I understand that it includes some editorial fee and am ready to pay.
This doesn’t involve me dressing up as Little Bo Peep, does it?
i will hlep you for what you want
See more entertaining installments of World’s Worst Book Proposals and Query Letters RIGHT HERE.
Please tell us what you think in the comments box below! 🙂
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- Copies of real query letters that resulted in writing assignments worth $2K and much more!
- If This Article Offends You, You’re Not a Professional Writer
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- More opinionated articles from Angela’s Desk
HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT SELF-PUBLISHING A BOOK?
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Angela Hoy is the publisher of WritersWeekly.com, the author of 19 books, and the co-owner of BookLocker.com (one of the original POD publishers that still gets books to market in less than a month), PubPreppers.com (print and ebook design for authors who truly want to self-publish), and Abuzz Press (the publishing co-op that charges no setup fees).
Angela has lived and traveled across the U.S. with her kids in an RV, settled in a river-side home in Bradenton, FL, and lived on a 52 ft Irwin sailboat. Angela now resides on a mountaintop in Northwest Georgia, where she plans to spend the rest of her days bird watching, gardening, hiking, and taking in all of the amazing sunrises.
WritersWeekly.com - the free marketing ezine for writers, which features new paying markets and freelance job listings every Wednesday.
BookLocker.com - According to attorney Mark Levine, author of The Fine Print, BookLocker is: "As close to perfection as you're going to find in the world of ebook and POD publishing. The ebook royalties are the highest I've ever seen, and the print royalties are better than average. BookLocker understands what new authors experience, and have put together a package that is the best in the business. You can't go wrong here. Plus, they're selective and won't publish any manuscript just because it's accompanied by a check. Also, the web site is well trafficked. If you can find a POD or epublisher with as much integrity and dedication to selling authors' books, but with lower POD publishing fees, please let me know."
Abuzz Press offers FAST and FREE book publication, but only accepts a small percentage of submissions, and only works with U.S. authors.
PubPreppers.com - "We Prep, You Publish!" Print and ebook design for authors who truly want to self-publish. Offers formatting and design services only, and then provides simple instructions for authors on where to sign up to have the print and ebook editions printed/listed/sold. Cut out the middle man. Keep 100% of what bookstores pay for your book!
Angela's POD Secrets Revealed Series can be found HERE.
Have a POD Book with another publisher? See if BookLocker can give you a better deal. (BookLocker offers "disgruntled author discounts" to those who want to move from other POD services.)
See BookLocker's publishing packages HERE.
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90+ DAYS OF PROMOTING YOUR BOOK ONLINE: Your Book's Daily Marketing Plan by Angela Hoy and Richard Hoy
Promoting your book online should be considered at least a part-time job. Highly successful authors spend more time promoting a book than they do writing it - a lot more.
We know what you're thinking. You're an author, not a marketer. Not to worry! We have more than a decade of successful online book selling experience under our belts and we're going to teach you how to promote your book effectively online...and almost all of our techniques are FREE!
Online book promotion is not only simple but, if you have a step-by-step, day-to-day marketing plan (this book!), it can also be a very artistic endeavor, which makes it fun for creative folks like you!
Yes, online book promoting can be EASY and FUN! Let us show you how, from Day 1 through Day 90...and beyond!
The Do-It-Yourselfer's Guide to Self-Syndication
Practical resource outlining the self-syndication process, step-by-step. Packed with detailed information and useful tips for writers looking to gain readership, name recognition, publication and self-syndication for their column or articles.
Wow! Hard to believe how individuals write and expect to get paid. Good luck!
Richard Atwood/McHenry took the words right off my keyboard. But…Brian’s very clever retorts made the struggle worthwhile. It gave me this week’s biggest chuckle – and the week is darn near over.
I was head of a hospital marketing magazine in the 1990s and also endured some blackboard scratching query letters. Here is my favorite, from a woman who had a bit of misplaced optimism:
“I know you want writers to submit articles for consideration, but I prefer to work differently. Send me the $600 you posted as payment for articles, and then I will write one for you.”
(Nice work, if you can get it.!)
About the query letters postings —- .
It would read far better if you posted the queries first, followed by the answers given.
Otherwise this is difficult reading, when you post your reply ahead of the questions.
It’s upside down.
Good advice! Thank you, Richard. 🙂