Man, the craziness never ends!! The non-sensical emails with off topic pitches, badly worded questions, and meaningless statements keep rolling in. Today, we’re going to share another installment of our popular column, World’s Worst Query Letters and Book Proposals.
We’ve been saving these for a few weeks now so there are a LOT to entertain you! As always, we’ve saved the best for last!
Featured below are real quotes from query letters and book proposals submitted to us over the past few weeks. Yes, we can learn from others’ mistakes!
In case you’re a new reader, please know that we are a publication about writing and publishing FOR WRITERS. When someone contacts us using our online contact form, directly above that form is a link to our writer’s guidelines, in a very large, bold, red font. The link to our guidelines is also at the top of every page on our website.
Are you ready? ENJOY!
Don’t we all! So, what’s your pitch??
I wanted to do work from home and earn a handsome amount of money.
We hereby direct you to to spend five minutes reading our WRITERS GUIDELINES page, where you will find that we do NOT assign topics, nor pay by wire transfer. We pay by paypal. You could add a much more sizable value to our operation if you actually had a flair for following directions.
I hereby request to write about assigned topics(weekly/monthly) for your magazine on a paid basis(preferably via wire transfer). In this respect, I believe that I can add sizable value to your operations as I have a flair for writing,
Well, then, who is it for?
My article is not copy for others
And, it’s a pleasure to pay you. Isn’t playing make-believe fun?
It’s pleasure to write for you.
Here is an email we received from “Jack” (not the real name on the email.) Notice that Jack claims to have a PhD, has written content for some of the biggest companies in the world, and mentions his “attention to detail.” Unfortunately, Jack failed to replace the cookie cutter “[Your Team]” field in the subject line with our company’s name. Jack’s phenomenal experience with Microsoft and Google failed to teach him that, when you are sending a “copy and paste” template email to 75 different recipients, you should list all of those recipients as “Blind Carbon Copies” (BCC) so that each recipient doesn’t realize that you shot-gunned this message out to half the world. (That really shows how much our company really means to you.) And, finally, Jack didn’t bother to remove the brackets from his cookie cutter signature line either. Sorry Jack – better luck next time.
Subject: An professional freelance writer looking for an opportunity to work with [Your Team]
Hello, my name is [Jack] and I am an accomplished freelance writer with over 8 years of experience in the industry. With my passion for writing and a PhD degree, I have honed my skills and contributed to some of the biggest companies in the world, including Google, Microsoft, and Facebook.
I am confident that my expertise and experience make me the perfect fit for your organization. I can write articles, blogs, content, and any other writing-related material with ease, and my attention to detail ensures that every piece I produce is of the highest quality.
I have had the privilege of earning a comfortable living from my writing, but my true passion lies in working with small businesses and helping them grow.
Hi. I will won’t mind being immune from you. It’s nice that you offer to accept less than we actually pay for articles…but we’re not a health and wellness site.
Hi, I would like to write an article about ” How to boost our immune system. I will won’t mind if you pay me between$20 to $50.
I am an editor. I can spot poor writing ..as well as capitalization and punctuation errors ..
i am a writer. i can write articles ..picturized articles and video articles ..
I do indeed like secrets. Here’s one. Your spelling is atrocious!
I do like to write about secret marketing for you. The topik would be about How To Get Padi on Selling Seashells?
I am pleased to reject your expertise.
I am pleased to offer my expertise in the field of beauty and skincare through my two new articles
Step 1) Go to WritersWeekly.com
Step 2) Click on Write For Us link.
Step 3) READ THE DANG GUIDELINES!
I wish to cooperate with you.
I can write articles and want to get paid for it
Please explain me step by step procedure.
No more surprised than if I found out a first grader wrote this.
i really think u should hire me and u will be suprised
Hi there. Maybe you should learn correct spelling and capitalization first.
hellow how can i write article for your website. i am doing blog writing. and i want to start earning from your platform . thank you.
I can’t wait to start paying you but I need some motivation.
I can’t wait to start making money but I need some assistance
If it’s written anything like this pitch, I’m not interested.
I write articles as freelancer. i have articles on topic science and technology, Health etc. if you are interested in it please contact by mail i mentioned above.
You are offering a literary site an article on “Food and Brainpower?” I suggest you start eating something different.
I Wrote an Article on Topic on ” Food and Brainpower”
And I want to publish this article , I complete Rights on this Article
Feel free To contact me
This work dies about 11:00 p.m. every evening when I collapse in my bed because I cannot handle one more mindless email.
How dies this work
In all sincerity, if this is how you’re going about trying to get work, it will ALWAYS be difficult for you to get a job.
I am a single mother of 5 children and I struggle with depression, anxiety, bipolar and ptsd so it makes it difficult to get a job n person
I can earn for write a blog on your website?
I hope you have a crowd to fund you because I’m not paying a dime for this stuff.
I want to sumit a write up about crowd funding
Please don’t send me any more pitches about mental health. You’re driving me nuts!
I want to pitch my idea of writing an article on Mental health. We are living in a globalized world where social media is ruling the Million of minds all over the world. The young generation is more into the social world whether through phones or computers. Do they aware of this digitalized social economy impacting their mental health? How it is impacting and what are the ways to get out of it?.
That’s nothing! I can write an article in $10 and get paid 30 minutes!
I write one article in $20
You cannot be…until you’ve learned the secret handshake, acquired your secret decoder ring, and gotten a WritersWeekly tattoo. Only then can you be one of us.
How to be one of you?
See more entertaining installments of World’s Worst Book Proposals and Query Letters RIGHT HERE.
Please tell us what you think in the comments box below! 🙂
DON’T FORGET THE SPRING, 2023 24-HOUR SHORT STORY CONTEST IS ONLY 2 WEEKS AWAY!
- Because We Refuse to Buy Bad Articles, Now We’re RACISTS?! by Brian Whiddon, Managing Editor
- Wanna Get Paying Work? An Editor’s Open Letter to New Writers Who Don’t Yet Know What the (Bleep) They’re Doing
- Copies of real query letters that resulted in writing assignments worth $2K and much more!
- If This Article Offends You, You’re Not a Professional Writer
- Can’t Afford An Editor? Try These Four Fun Steps For A Much Cleaner Manuscript!
- More opinionated articles from Angela’s Desk
Have questions about Writing, Print On Demand, or Self-publishing? Ask Angela.
Got questions about Print On Demand and Self-publishing? Ask Angela Hoy.
About The Author
Angela Hoy is the publisher of WritersWeekly.com, the author of 19 books, and the co-owner of BookLocker.com (one of the original POD publishers that still gets books to market in less than a month), PubPreppers.com (print and ebook design for authors who truly want to self-publish), and Abuzz Press (the publishing co-op that charges no setup fees).
Angela has lived and traveled across the U.S. with her kids in an RV, settled in a river-side home in Bradenton, FL, and lived on a 52 ft Irwin sailboat. Angela now resides on a mountaintop in Northwest Georgia, where she plans to spend the rest of her days bird watching, gardening, hiking, and taking in all of the amazing sunrises.
WritersWeekly.com - the free marketing ezine for writers, which features new paying markets and freelance job listings every Wednesday.
BookLocker.com - According to attorney Mark Levine, author of The Fine Print, BookLocker is: "As close to perfection as you're going to find in the world of ebook and POD publishing. The ebook royalties are the highest I've ever seen, and the print royalties are better than average. BookLocker understands what new authors experience, and have put together a package that is the best in the business. You can't go wrong here. Plus, they're selective and won't publish any manuscript just because it's accompanied by a check. Also, the web site is well trafficked. If you can find a POD or epublisher with as much integrity and dedication to selling authors' books, but with lower POD publishing fees, please let me know."
Abuzz Press offers FAST and FREE book publication, but only accepts a small percentage of submissions, and only works with U.S. authors.
PubPreppers.com - "We Prep, You Publish!" Print and ebook design for authors who truly want to self-publish. Offers formatting and design services only, and then provides simple instructions for authors on where to sign up to have the print and ebook editions printed/listed/sold. Cut out the middle man. Keep 100% of what bookstores pay for your book!
Angela's POD Secrets Revealed Series can be found HERE.
Have a POD Book with another publisher? See if BookLocker can give you a better deal. (BookLocker offers "disgruntled author discounts" to those who want to move from other POD services.)
See BookLocker's publishing packages HERE.
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Read More Of Angela's Articles HERE
90+ DAYS OF PROMOTING YOUR BOOK ONLINE: Your Book's Daily Marketing Plan by Angela Hoy and Richard Hoy
Promoting your book online should be considered at least a part-time job. Highly successful authors spend more time promoting a book than they do writing it - a lot more.
We know what you're thinking. You're an author, not a marketer. Not to worry! We have more than a decade of successful online book selling experience under our belts and we're going to teach you how to promote your book effectively online...and almost all of our techniques are FREE!
Online book promotion is not only simple but, if you have a step-by-step, day-to-day marketing plan (this book!), it can also be a very artistic endeavor, which makes it fun for creative folks like you!
Yes, online book promoting can be EASY and FUN! Let us show you how, from Day 1 through Day 90...and beyond!
The Do-It-Yourselfer's Guide to Self-Syndication
Practical resource outlining the self-syndication process, step-by-step. Packed with detailed information and useful tips for writers looking to gain readership, name recognition, publication and self-syndication for their column or articles.
You definitely saved the best for last. Always a blast!
I got my tattoo, Brian! Can you upload a YouTube video of the secret handshake so I can practice? I haven’t bought the cereal yet so I don’t have the decoder ring, but I’m working on it. Just waiting for a store near me to stock it. Well on my way to being “one of you!”
It is your comments that make this article lol funny.
I think I can come up with the handshake and tattoo, but how do I get my decoder ring? Is there some special cereal box or something?
LOL…YES! It’s called BookLocker Crunchies. Coming soon to a grocery store near you!
OK, I literally burst out laughing at this one: You cannot be…until you’ve learned the secret handshake, acquired your secret decoder ring, and gotten a WritersWeekly tattoo. Only then can you be one of us.
How to be one of you?
I almost peed myself laughing when I read that one from Brian, too!! 😉