PUBLISHER’S NOTE: We have never run humor in this column before, but we couldn’t resist this parody by Linda Avey Bullock!
Are you desperate? Are your food supplies down to one stale taco chip, half a jar of expired mayonnaise, and some liquefied lettuce? Have you sat at your computer searching for markets so long you’ve worn all your underwear down to thongs? If this describes you, I invite you to join the Contributing Writers at Sweat101.com.
Sweat101.com is a subsidiary of the Fortune 1 company, Extort International (EI), and has employed people since Adam first stepped out of the Garden. Back in 4000 BC EI employed thousands of people to build the pyramids in Egypt. Today, our subsidiary, Sweat101.com, employs Contributing Writers. And we have a constant demand for new Contributing Writers at Sweat101.com because we wear them out faster than two-dollar hookers at a frat party.
We’ve recently beefed up our program at Sweat101.com. Formerly, our Contributing Writers had to write weekly, biweekly and monthly articles for a pittance, choosing topics designated by us. Today, in our new and improved program, our Writers no longer work those long and arduous hours for a pittance. Today they do it for free.
Some things haven’t changed at Sweat101, however. We still require all of our Contributing Writer candidates to write living wills and get their Sweat101 mug shots taken prior to applying. This policy benefits everybody because once you start working for us, not only will you not have time for these tasks, but our marketing people tell us that photos of physically debilitated and emotionally ravaged employees do not bring the right sorts of visitors to our sites.
Do you have trouble managing multiple priorities? Well, say good-bye to those worries and hassles. Once accepted by Sweat101.com, you will not work on other projects, see friends and family, eat, sleep or bathe for the duration, i.e., the time between signing the Sweat101 Contract and your demise. Working for sweat101.com is more than a full-time job, it’s your life. When you’re not busting your butt writing fresh content for us, you’ll be writing responses to the people who visit “your” site and want to complain, criticize or threaten you, or who simply want to ask stupid questions.
Any remaining time or life force you may have will be spent proselytizing for us on job boards.
Your articles will be delivered to us through the Web via online forms that are simple and easy to use (provided you’re proficient in HTML, Java script and Visual Basic and are Cisco certified). And as a service to you, any monies you owe The Sweat101 Company Store will automatically be deducted from your checking account and/or credit card weekly. Should you survive your credit line, you agree that Sweat101 shall put a lien on your property or in the event that you own no property, Sweat101 shall garnish the wages of your children. Should you have no children at the time of your demise, you agree to grant Sweat101 the right to harvest your eggs/sperm in order to fulfill your contract.
When you sign on with Sweat101.com, you agree to indemnify us and hold us unaccountable for any illnesses, psychotic breakdowns, or deaths, including suicides and “accidental” deaths, occurring to you, your family or former English professors who once had high hopes for you.
Sweat101.com has received numerous awards including ‘The Best Sweat on The Net’ from NoBrania.com.
For further information please contact me, Bennie the Bloodsucker, at HopeCrusher@sweat101.com.
Salary: $0.00 per month minus The Sweat101 Company Store fees Company: Sweat 101, Inc., division of SlaveWorks International Location: Telecommute, slave from anywhere! Skills Required: A desperation to see yourself in print Contact: Bennie the Bloodsucker E-mail: HopeCrusher@sweat101.com
At sweat101.com you provide the content–we provide the breakdown.
Linda Avey Bullock is a freelancer specializing in humor, writing, and women’s issues. She’s the editor of THE SURVIVAL GUIDE, a forthcoming women’s ezine that covers trends, travel, health, and the best and worst on the Web–with a touch of sass and a lot of class.